My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
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I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me