@squirrel74wkgn: My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
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@NurseMurderer: Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don't use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date] OK don't let her know you're a snail Waiter: Would you like some salt? [flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
@just1fool: To convert Celsius to Fahrenheit to double Celsius and add thirty. To convert someone to Mormonism you double the wives and add 17 kids.
@xnoahanthonyx: Can you describe the man who did this *me crying* "he was a meanie head" No describe his face, sir *clenches fist* "He had a stupid face"