Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
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Cinematography is my passion
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I didn’t come here to be called names
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.