@DrRocktopoid: My high-school wrestling coach called me "the little raccoon" 'cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.
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@meganamram: I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant "I'm not married but I don't want men to talk to me"
@AbbyHasIssues: *Showing me a picture of your baby* Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What's your dog's name?
@Fred_Delicious: Girlfriend - "ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE'RE HAVING SEX???" Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] "...no"
@SnizzleFrizzle: I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish. *I'm not even high.