when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
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*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Aight bet
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
The cashier just checked me out.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.