@DrRocktopoid: My high-school wrestling coach called me "the little raccoon" 'cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.
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@mrjohndarby: Parole officer: Come in and take a seat [me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
@kelkulus: They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
@215potter: Thank god my brother's getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.