My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
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If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
what’s the point then??
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up