My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
You Might Also Like
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”