My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
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5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
you will never know the true number of layers
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.