*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
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Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy