@cosmicbibi: My hobbies include humming the Jurassic Park theme song to my chickens, to make them feel more in touch with their ancestors.
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@primawesome: What's with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
@KyleMcDowell86: [getting pulled over] Me: R u a bear cop? Bear cop: Is that a problem? Me: As long as you're not a maul cop *mauls me for bad pun*
@robdelaney: Walter White should get a monument & every healthcare exec should receive the sentence for his crimes. They made him.
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: So where are you gonna hide the elf tonight? Wife: Me? I thought you’ve been moving it *her eyes widen* Me: It’s right behind me isn’t it?