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I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
How high do the levels go?
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.