@AimByWhiskey: My home security system is a nerf sword by the door. My liquor cabinet has a retina scanner, 3 pit bulls & my 7th grade lesbian gym teacher.
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@juliussharpe: A new study shows dogs recognize pictures of their owners. Also, they're like, "Why are you showing me photos? I'm a dog."
@teenpuke: *cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*
@dubstep4dads: other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
@JasonLastname: Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow