@AimByWhiskey: My home security system is a nerf sword by the door. My liquor cabinet has a retina scanner, 3 pit bulls & my 7th grade lesbian gym teacher.
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@dorsalstream: As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I've turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
@mrtruthandsoul: 5yo: Why is he crying? Me: That's a teardrop tattoo. 5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison? M: What? 5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
@KThonvold: Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell "spider" first. They may even thank you.