Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
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Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
no!! no!!!!!!
how to have fun when you’re poor
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?