“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
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sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
May never get over this
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days