@DanMentos: "My homework ate my dog" -student in python breeding class
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@fro_vo: Me: I'm bored Dad: hi bored I'm dad Me: I'm hungry Dad: hi hungry I'm dad Me: I'm here's 20 dollars Dad: hi here's 20 dollars Me: thanks dad
@SimplyEffortful: My husband: It'd be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner. Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
@ceejoyner: Can't you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
@shadygeekdad: When I know I've posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I'm Jason Statham walking from an explosion.