Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
You Might Also Like
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.