@_AlanGarner_: My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they're like "It wasn't that hard."
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@JamieGreenlees: If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I'd choke to death swallowing it.
@thenoahkinsey: *on a 1st date* Her:..and I have 3 cats Me: Swipe left H: Did you say "swipe left"?! M: H: M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
@upsidedowntrash: After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
@KateWhineHall: My sister had a baby today. I think I've used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.