[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
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the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
next question.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.