My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
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damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Google assistant rules
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.