I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
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Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[montage of me giving-up]
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Traveler’s camo
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship