The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
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HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets