It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
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This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Thank you corporation very cool
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?