Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
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England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down