@heatherlou_: My house is clean so please don't eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
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@UncleDuke1969: [doorbell] "Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?" "No." "Why not?" "He died like 2000 years ago." "So?" "I'm 46. Do the math."
@TimmyPumpkin: *licks stamp* hmmm tastes weird *mails letter* hmmm mailbox had wings *drives home on flying monkey* hmmm that wasn't a stamp
@DelilahSmashbox: I almost wish the guy I'm stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
@murrman5: [the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up] *looks at driving test instructor* "finally"