My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
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Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.