My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
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I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
BRAKING NEWS!!
Pretty much! 😂👀
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma