My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
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By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
wtf management?!
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers