[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
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17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.