My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
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You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Pikachu found the lost joint
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
when nothing goes right… go left
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh