My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
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My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.