@JennyPentland: My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.
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@ficklenuts: “Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
@JohnHilsen: Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn't believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
@AnOrangeSNES: In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn't my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
@ramblinma: All these people training for marathons and I'm over here, on my couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.