My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
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[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
HOW DARE YOU
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude