My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
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Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!