Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
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Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
I have many caverns
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.