My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
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Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?