My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
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Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
so weird how every mom was born today
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”