@3sunzzz: My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I'm averaging 25,438 steps a day.
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@MikeDrucker: I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
@WilliamAder: Me: Haven't shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy? Wife: You look like McHomeless.
@LeBearGirdle: *eulogy* Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn't bring his banjo Me: dad always hated my banjo M: whew Me:[reaches into case] but he's gone now
@InternetHippo: MOVIE GUY: I’m not giving up. I’m going to win her affections no matter what! WORLD: This is romantic and not troubling