My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
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This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.