Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
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My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I just ran a .003048K
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.