My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
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The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us