My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
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My summer body has been pending for about ten years
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.