Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
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I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”