@3sunzzz: My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It's like I can't win.
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@AngelaEhh: It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
@DaddyJew: Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet? Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of my mouth*
@pizzajaynow: People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.
@moose_chocolate: How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?