My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
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No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Happy Febuary everyone!
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Customize Your Wedding.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived