My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
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THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.