My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
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If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
quarantine day 3
my nickname in college
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.