My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
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Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Solving a traffic jam
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Just ordered me some pizza!
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly