My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
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when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Denise please return my vape pen
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.