My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
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Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life