My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
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Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?