My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
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I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.