My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
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[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I feel it
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.