[Karaoke Bar]
Me: š¶ Don’t you forget about me š¶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
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Some people say they donāt know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still havenāt figured out what to do with my face.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day itās bad luck to say āi Do.ā
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I donāt have to go to a party
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
HIM: Iām sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didnāt.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Iām sorry I gotta go. Iām gonna be late for my wifeās post grocery shopping orientation where we cover āsnacks and treats that are meant for the kids.ā
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
The glory of fall.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said ābless your heartā š
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & itās for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
You may not like the word āmoistā but the alternative is āendampenedā and Iāll not have endampened cake.
PRIEST: 1st the groomās vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* Iām only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: Thatās not really-
HER: Thatās what I wrote too.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though itās lookin like iām gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: ā¦are you just like bored or something? what is this?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
If youāre looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, Iām your guy.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
āYou got any plans tonight?ā
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]