if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
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Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Why is this me 😫
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.