My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
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My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
where’s Godzilla when we need him
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.