My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
You Might Also Like
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
i think both sides are to blame here
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP