My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
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I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.