My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
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a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.