My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
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Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.