My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Customize Your Wedding.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.